Piece of Shit #22

Winter makes me damn sleepy...

I realize it's been way too long since I've last posted anything and I can only blame the fact that it's fucking cold outside. Just like the general population in the Northern Hemisphere this time of year, all I want to do is crawl into bed and not get out. The addition of a tiny kittne in the apartment is only making this harder. I mean who doesn't want to snuggle with this flufferball?!

Piece of Shit #21

'Tis the season for Mad Men... and arrogance.

Lately I've run into a number of men who are little "too big for their britches", as my late Great-Great Aunt Blanche used to say. I seem to keep encountering men who appear seemingly normal and humble upon introduction. They are polite, courteous, even chivalrous to a modern extent, but before too long, and lately too long is about 2 weeks, they pull out the "I have a waiting list, so I'm done with you" card. Yes, it's an actual card. I've seen it. It's blue. American Express gives them out by invitation only. Nonetheless, there seems to be an "ON" button for the arrogance of late 20 something men lately. Or maybe there is a limited grace period when interacting with someone new? I'm not sure. I do, on the other hand, know that this isn't something new, but I think I've run into higher numbers this year than in years past for whatever reason. So I am bound to wonder, "What happened to actually giving people a chance? What happened to actually getting to know someone to decide if you like them?"

Now I'd be just as arrogant as my recent meet-ups if I didn't point out that I too, am often quick to judge guys. No one will tell you I'm not extremely picky. However I've learned this about myself and do make a conscious effort to give people a 2nd chance and when I actually do, I'm usually pleasantly surprised I will admit.

Fellas, I know Don Draper is great. He is a stud and one smooth dude, but his antics are not an instructional video each Sunday night. Arrogance is something to be tossed around in your early 20s. When you get to your late 20's and your early 30's and you have somewhat of a belly, and probably some scruffy facial hair, when you have to get up every morning to get to work by 9am and stay late to satisfy your boss, and when you have achy backs because those guys in their early 20s can beat you at sports, it's time to get over yourself. Because at the end of the day, the reason you're looking for a woman is because you're lonely...just like Don Draper.

Piece of Shit #20

I suck at keeping my mouth shut...online at least.

In the past week I've entered into two online arguments with complete strangers. My friend Lauren gave firsthand interviews of being on the Jet Blue Flight that was privy to an angry flight attendant that cursed over the PA and deployed the inflatable slide. I couldn't bite my tongue when people started taking personal cracks at Lauren on her own blog page. Calling her a "snot" and a "bitch" while claiming she was looking for 15 mins of fame, all the while giving her notoriety by drawing more attention to her. So I spoke up in my normal sass-laced tone.

Then a couple days ago a friend posted a sentiment about the so called "Ground Zero Mosque" and how many New Yorkers feel that it is an issue that belongs to us and not the rest of the nation. This friend is originally from Iowa and so some fellow conservative Iowans felt the need to voice their opinion on the matter. One, shall we call for lack of a better term, Dumb Fuck, started spouting off that all Muslims are murderers of innocent people. Now this person claimed to be "America". He called himself a God-loving, family man. Naturally once again, I could not bite my tongue. I let this man have it and I'll be honest I took a dirty pleasure in knowing that for probably the first time in his life he had been outwitted and outspoken by a woman. The man turned the argument into an attack on all liberals and Democrats. He claimed there was no way my grandparents and older generations were still Democrats and happy with the current administration. However, everyone in my family has been a registered Democrat since they could legally vote. We all voted for Obama and will be voting for his re-election. He claimed that as a "liberal" I was insulting him by referencing the bible since "no liberal actually believes in it". This bothered me for many reasons. No, I'm not a Christian but I was raised in a Christian home and have extensively studied world and religious history. I've read the bible, all of it. I'm quite familiar with the foundation of the church and the faith that it rests upon. So I pulled out my bible knowledge to this Dumb Fuck. I also pointed out that Jesus himself was liberal, standing up to the oppression of the Romans, and working to remedy the abuse that its citizens had suffered by being deprived of essentials. Now, Mr. Iowa, was prob a little taken aback when I explained that Christians who follow the teachings of Jesus are in fact quite liberal and I noted that if he had actually read the bible, the whole bible, he would know this supreme lesson. Turns out Mr. Iowa hasn't read the entire bible, or probably even a large portion of it. He quoted things from the Old Testament such as "an eye for an eye" and other ancient "wisdoms". Yet, he was completely unaware that Christianity was founded on the movement to rebel from those tyrannous ideals. He had no idea that the old testament is actually the Torah and the New Testament is where Christianity begins. Now I didn't set out to start a religious debate on Christianity but when someone claims, in quite a loud and aggressive way, that they are in fact Christian, yet nothing about them is so, it's impossible for me to walk away quietly. No, I don't consider myself Christian since I have studied the bible and the church's history and take many issues with it, but I'm a fan of Jesus just as I'm a fan of Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and Martin Luther King. Even though idiots, who claim to be Christians but couldn't be less Christianly, I'm NOT alright with, Jesus I'm alright with. And I'm pretty sure that Dumb Fuck in Iowa will be picking up a bible before he opens his mouth again.

Piece of Shit #19

I want to go home...

On May 30th, I left New York for what was suppossed to be 3 months of revitilization and writing in Florida. I knew that three months away from home would be tough to swallow after awhile and I was right. In truth it only took a few weeks to pine for my bed and city. I moved to New York in March 2005 and shortly after that I knew it would be a very long time, if ever, before I called another city home. Despite that my last two years in the city have been some of the hardest of my life, my affection for the Big Apple hasn't wained. In the last two years I lost more friends to suburbs and hometowns than ever before. In 2009 alone 8 good friends called it quits with NY. Being that the city serves as such a transitional spot for so many really took it's toll on me. I started to feel that I could never make good long term friends because the city would ulitmately take them away from me. But when more and more people starting to leave I found those friends that loved New York as much as I do. I found those friends who dream about raising a family in Brooklyn the way I do and can't imagine going back to a place that doesn't embrace life and culture the way New York does. In a weird way it's made me fall in love with the city even more. If you move to New York in your 20's and you make it to your 30's you finally start to see that the city loves you just as much as you love it. And that is a true New York love story...

Piece of Shit #18

Despicable Me could have been better...

I went to see this recently released animated film. I have always been a fan of children's entertainment as many of you are aware of my Muppet obsession. I love humor that can resonate through an audience of all ages. However I felt that this movie fell flat when it came to reaching anyone past puberty. Despite a few funny one liners here and there you are left distractedly wondering where Steve Carell came up with his ambiguous Eastern European accent and also why the world's most evil villain can't survive without Starbucks. It also had a touch of "Finding Nemo" and "Up" in the sense that it touched on a very real issue that most young children can't completely grasp and are easily upset by; adoption. The saving grace to the film was of course the Minions, or the little yellow guys who aide Steve Carell's character in his evil doings. Even though they don't not articulate in any way you completely understand their rantings via the physical movements of their Mr. Potato like bodies. They are quite lovable. So go see or rent? A definite rental because then at least if you start to nod off like I did, you'll be on a comfy couch.

Piece of Shit #17

Hugh Hefner has changed your life.

I follow Hugh Hefner on Twitter. I follow him because I firmly believe that when the History of the 20th Century is written it will be noted that he, Carrie Chapman Catt, and Candace Bushnell have done more for women than any other individuals.

So I follow Mr. Hefner on Twitter and saw that recently he has been receiving somewhat hostile tweets from a young woman in Vancouver claiming that he has made a career out of "exploiting women" and also that thanks to the efforts of Playboy and similar publications containing erotic and sexual pictorials of young women, rape and violence against women has risen. I did a quick search to see if this is possibly true. I found no evidence to support this claim or any proof that Playboy has caused digression in the statistics of rape and sexual assault against women. In fact I personally feel that the publication of Playboy opened the door for women's sexuality as a main-stream topic of discussion. Mr. Hefner had the courage to first speak openly about that thing that ultimately makes us human, sex. He contributed the dialogue that gave us Sex and The City and now gives my generation the thing we always seek; options. Playboy provided us with the conversation where women could openly express what they wanted and didn't want sexually. We became equal players in an game that had historically been one sided. We could and do have the sex lives we want because we can simply now talk about them. If Mr. Hefner has done anything it's empower women, and especially the women who have graced his pages. Sex is power. It was in the caves. It was in the huts. And it is in the apartment complexes of today. So if Playboy has done anything for women, it's just that...given us the power of sex. Goooood shit...

Piece of Shit #16

Getting old is a long, scary road.

I had originally planned to spend my first 4th of July in Missouri in over 7 years this year. However when we began to discuss the family event that was supposed to take place that holiday weekend, life got in the way. This weekend (July 3rd) my grandparents will celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary and they will celebrate it by spending their first night in an assisted living community. Both of their healths have been on the decline for several years now and their have been numerous discussions by the family about them giving up the home in which they built and have resided in for over 55 years, to move into a facility where they could receive specialized attention and constant care. Naturally those conversations ended in protest from the matriarch and patriarch of my mother's family who just weren't ready to accept that their final shred of independence had faded.

My grandmother is severally diabetic and no longer has her vision. She also no longer posses the ability to stand or sit by herself. She has no strength in her legs to carry her own weight anymore. My grandfather who spent his life pouring concrete and towering over everyone at 6" was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago. So for the past few years my ailing grandfather has been placing my immobile grandmother in a chair in their living room every morning, where she sits until she must be moved for trips to the bathroom and ultimately to bed at the end of the day. Despite his ailment he still insisted on driving and was allowed to do so until a few weeks ago when he collapsed in the front yard of their Bourbon, Missouri home. He was legally no longer allowed to drive by the insistence of his doctor. My grandparents became prisoners in their own home. This left them with no choice but to give in to the requests of my mother and uncles.

So this weekend, which was originally set aside to celebrate their 60 years of tumultuous marriage, will be spent with my grandparents voluntarily greeting the last phase of their lives. And even though their marriage has been far from a fairy tale or even a happy one, I have to think that despite the years of bickering, yelling, and shear meanness toward one another, there is comfort in knowing they don't have to greet that last phase alone. I only hope I can be so lucky when that day comes for me.

Piece of Shit #15

Lucky Magazine is a vag tease.

It's true. Every month Lucky magazine has a section called "Lucky Breaks" where you can enter online to win items featured in the magazine. I started getting Lucky about six months ago and have been entering every month for almost every item. C'mon. I'm in the arts so the day when I can spend $300 on shoes or makeup are in the very distant future but should I be so lucky as to win them via "Lucky" I'd be more than happy to sport them around New York City. So I enter for about 30 items each month and each month there is a small blurp about the previous month's winners and how excited they are to win $500 worth of Stila products, etc. and often those winners mention that it's their 3rd+ win. This irks me. If I'm entering every month like clockwork, how can some women win multiple times? I find this unfair and I was starting to resent Lucky magazine and their "Lucky Breaks" until I got an email on Mon. telling me I was an alternate winner for a pair of Corso Como sandals. Now, truthfully I have no idea what Corso Como sandals are, but after some research they retail for about $130 so I would be more than happy to accept them. However the email stated I needed to be one of the first 19 to reply to the email to "officially" win the shoes. I happen to be in a movie that afternoon; appropriately watching Sex and The City 2 (which I really don't care to discuss and that in it's self is quite sad). So I responded to the email 4 hours later. I haven't heard anything back so I'm assuming my victory over the Corso Como sandals was short-lived. But thank you Lucky magazine for getting my hopes up and failing to deliver...just one more vag tease to deal with.

Piece of Shit #14

Summa, summa, summatime...ooooo Summatime.

Today is the Summer Solstice, the official start to summer. This might be why I'm in such a good mood today. Growing up with two teachers as parents summer was much more than sleeping in and playing all day. It was the beginning and end of our family's year. It wasn't until I got older that I realized not all parents got 3 months off to swim, camp, BBQ, and travel. Summer was everything at 603 W. Columbia St. For the Pinkstons summer really was a Country Time Lemonade ad...and I loved every minute of it. Despite the fact that now summer doesn't mean freedom from work or responsibilities like I once thought it did, there is still a taste of escape that will always get me excited. And even if it's doesn't happen. Even if I can't take fun vacations, or get to a beach, or lay by a pool, summer will represent a little less clothing and a little lighter baggage. It will mean flirting a little more. It'll mean drinking a little more. It will mean being naked a little more. And it will mean just feeling good a little bit more. Happy Summer All!

Piece of Shit #13

I'm really a giant pussy.

I hate to admit it and maybe it's because I'm a New Yorker at heart or because I just can't stand to hear people whine, but I'm a huge wuss. I can't stomach blood, gratuitous violence or even hardcore drug use. It all makes me hide my eyes and cringe. Last night I started watching "The Wire" after hearing countless accusations that it may top "The West Wing" as the greatest show written for television. I'm not ready to throw down with that argument since I'm only a couple of episodes in. I did notice however, that the shots of heroin use had me flinching and averting my eyes. This is an HBO series so I'm sure it's no "Trainspotting" or "Requiem for a Dream" but it reminded me of how stupidly sensitive I am to that stuff. Why am I this way? I honestly have no idea. I'm not overly girly in real life. I have no problems getting my hands dirty...in fact I like it a lot of the times. But for some reason I just can't handle seeing pain on other people, real or fictional. I wish a had a stronger stomach to go with my steel exterior. He,he...

Piece of Shit #12

Change is good shit.

I'm currently planning and saving for my next tattoo(s). For anyone who has known me longer than 2 years you'd find this shocking considering I once swore that I would never get a tattoo and even after I finally did in 2008 I kept swearing I would never get another one. I used to be very openly and adamantly opposed to tattoos and I think it was because of all the impulsive and seemingly meaningless ones many people got in their late teens/early 20s. It also always irked me that people thought they could be defined by some sort of symbol, etc for their entire life. I never thought anything would mean the same thing to a person throughout their complete existence. In addition I always found the naked natural body quite a marvel. But within the last few years I've started to view them differently. I had never found them attractive before on either men or women and now there is a definite sex appeal to them. I also started to realize that something permanent and constant could in fact represent change. This irony definitely appealed to me. So despite the fact that my tattoo is private and I've never revealed to anyone what it actually is or means, I can admit that it represents that change can be a liberating and good thing. And that same change can also be comfort that some things are permanent.

Piece of Shit #11

Today was a good day...

Yep. That's it really. Today has been a good day and I have no doubts that this weekend will be a good one as well. I'm pretty sure I will look like this the whole time...

Piece of Shit #10

28 is great...

For the past few years I have snickered about the fact that most of my friends were younger than me and those my age where married and/or making babies. However as I've solidified a place in my late 20's I grow more and more grateful that I'm not 21,22, 23, or 24 anymore. And personally I think the ladies in the same age box as me have got something on the box below us. Despite a misconception that girls in their early 20's are here for the party, women in their late 20's are too. The difference is we are typically throwing it and it doesn't come in cans or with early morning regret. So sure, that 22 year old hottie looks like fun but I promise you that the sexy 29 year old eyeing you at the bar can teach you a few things she can't. And that my friends, is some goooood shit.

Piece of Shit #9

It's all about me...I guess.

It's true, your 20s are supposed to be a decade of self-exploration and socially accepted selfishness. For the most part this has characterized the last 8 years of my life and truthfully could probably still define my daily existence now. However as I round the bend to 30 in the next year and a half I cant fathom approaching a place where it starts to be about somebody or something else. I'm not sure how to feel about that and I could be making an inaccurate assumption but where is that wash of a feeling that tells you it's time to make things about something else, that it's time to think differently? Maybe it's living in New York, a place that attracts self-motivation and large personal ambitions, but I don't see most people in their late 20's looking for something outside of themselves or even hinting that they might slowly start to peek around. In fact I see more and more people older than me pushing that transition further and further back. And from where I stand right now I'm relieved because I too am not ready to cross that bridge; but if we keep pushing it back and keep pushing it back, do we risk missing that opportunity all together? I wish I had this answer and true I wish I had a lot of answers but for the moment I'll just have to wonder about this piece of shit.

Piece of Shit #8

I'm in love...

It's true it happens from time to time. I find a comedian or performer that I go GA GA over and it has occurred once again. In April a friend took me to the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn to see his friend and comic do a short set. I'm usually the wrong person to take to comedy shows if you are trying to impress me. I'm a harsh critic when it comes to funny talent. Not that I honestly have any right to be but the few years in the industry has made me quite picky. So naturally I was mildly impressed with this particular performer, however a couple sets after his the tide took a drastic turn. The sea parted and in a haze with REO Speedwagon's "Dreamweaver" playing in the background Reggie Watts took the stage. The man left me speechless in the same gut-wrenching way Mitch Hedberg and old school Bill Cosby once did. He defies standard forms of stand-up and simply put, just gets on stage and creates some mind-blowing shit. This man is on to something that comedy hasn't seen in a looonnnggg time. Enjoy the video but don't try it at home...it's way messier than you would think.

Piece of Shit #7

The Goonies are 25!

25 years ago this past weekend The Goonies entered our lives, well those of us alive in June 1985... For those of us discovering life in the Reagan Era Mikey, Brand, Mouth, Data, Andy, Stef, Chunk, The Fratellis and of course, Sloth made Astoria, Oregon and the idea of pirate ships forever something of a wonderful fantasy.

I've been a devout Goonies fan since my father used to go to the local video store every Friday night to rent the newest releases and then illegally make copies of them with his personal VHS camcorder. "The Goonies" was one of the first movies I could watch whenever I pleased and this liberating memory is one I will always cherish. Despite the fact that the film speaks to anyone who carries a sense of youthful adventure and curiosity, it has endured in pop culture because of it's fun-filled storyline and spot on dialogue. Over the past 25 years "The Goonies" has proved nothing if not timeless. And maybe this movie will always have a special place in the heart of my peers because it's taught our generation a priceless lesson. "It's our time. Down here it's our time." I believe that it still is and I just don't think we are ready to ride up Troy's bucket yet.

Piece of Shit #6

I'm not a "Bitter Brenda"...today.

A friend mentioned yesterday that my blog seemed to be just me complaining. So this morning I wanted to clarify that that was never my intention. In fact I'm quite a chipper person. I'm also a romantic which I make no secret about. Maybe because I'm a water sign or maybe because there wasn't much to watch growing up in Missouri other than sappy or funny movies, but I ended up being a lover of love and laughter. And whenever I can find the two combined, my heart melts a little. Just a moment ago I found such a thing. I laughed and teared a little...and I'm not ashamed, dammit.

Piece of Shit #5

Jonah Hill could never be a woman...

And this makes me sad. Jonah Hill, Seth Rogan, Michael Cera, and the rest of the Apatow entourage would not have careers if they were women plain and simple. Despite the fact that women are more prominent in every industry today than ever before, we've still yet to be able to successfully crack into the "blue" comedy market. We've yet to establish a serious presence in the land of crotch jokes and stoner humor. Sure we've made strides with the likes of Janeane Garofalo and Sarah Silverman, but the early 20's frat house market we've yet to really break into. Why is this? The unfortunate truth is that socially, we just aren't ready to accept women as anything less than womanly. We aren't ready to stomach jokes about periods, un-firm jiggly parts, or even vaginal discharge. See...the last one got you cringing. Although we get a solid kick out of hearing jokes about mushroom stamps, limp dicks, and t-bagging. It is the truth...and personally, I think it's shit.

Piece of Shit #4

Men are fucking crazy too...

The age old adage is that women are crazy. I'm not here to dispute that. In fact I could probably supply the prosecution with some damning evidence in that case. But for the moment I'm more concerned with the other charge that men are just as crazy as women. I've known sanity and insanity in my young life and have seen both exist equally in women and men. But lately I have been disappointed that crazy seems to be running rampant in men who have passed the expected phase of their early-mid 20's. There is some social forgiveness for the guy who is over-bearing, overly jealous, and extremely irrational between the ages of 19 and 26. However when 30 and 40 hits and a man is retaining the same behavior he sported a decade or two prior, something is wrong. I realize my generation has been allowed to postpone growing up longer than any generation previously. Regardless there is no excuse for a 30 year old man to snicker, roll his eyes, hang up a phone, or give you the silent treatment because something didn't go his way. Seriously guys...acting like a pissed off 9 year old really turns me on. Take your hands off the bomb and grow some man parts Gentlemen.

Piece of Shit #3

I do not belong in the mid-west. True I was born there on a cold snowy February night in 198..something, but I can't really remember ever belonging there. I have never wanted to own a mini van. I have never enjoyed wearing over sized men's t-shirts. I can definitely enjoy Hamburger Helper but have never classified it as "cooking". I've never been crazy about buying in bulk. I've never been on the Jesus bandwagon. I've never looked good in a haircut that could be compared to a helmut. I've never been happy with just existing, without question.

However, depsite the fact that it takes very little time back in the mid-west or around Mid-Westerners to be reminded of this, age and maturity has made me grateful for what it has taught me. Namely how to make some kick-ass fried chicken and enjoy cheap beer...So thank you Budweiser and Crisco. Thank you.

Piece of Shit #2

John Mayer is a douchebag...

It's true. In fact it may have been true since the day the man was born. Don't get me wrong, the man is pleasing to look at and let's not lie, I'd probably still hit that but I'd want him to leave immediately after. I'd want him to leave before he opened his mouth in another lame attempt to convince me and the rest of the fertile female population that he is some sort of a poetically tortured artist. If you change the tone and timber of your voice to sing you are trying way too hard. If you cover yourself in tattoos and then pen a song with lyrics that state "father's be good to your daughters", you are in fact not the anarchist rebel you'd like to be perceived as. If your neutral expression looks like a dramatic sigh, you're a piece of shit...and a fitting entry to this blog.

Piece of Shit #1

I don't know crap about the internet. I graduated undergrad from a major university in 2004 and somehow managed to avoid ever really mastering the world wide web. I have had an email account since 1997, but I seem to be years behind my peers in figuring out how to maintain an existance or even better a career via the internet. I would like to do these things. I'd like to get paid for being funny online and not just on paper or doing improv in some LES sketchy joint. I'd also like to ride an elephant but today, I'm taking one step at a time. So here it goes...the shit I know.